I am he-she -
she was or is he -
he was always she -
or he-she -
I was neither or both or someone that wasn't either -
they were rich -
lived on the other side of town in a trailer park -
the kind with no shrubs and pickup trucks -
I always wanted to be them or him or her -
and she wanted to be him and he her -
especially during sex when we were all the same -
but that was later when they moved away from our hometown -
a place I never knew -
I knew them only from a distance -
they were my neighbors -
we shared a room -
my parents would leave and each time they returned they would say -
I have a new brother -
or sister and brother -
or one of them died but I never knew -
then my parents were taken away -
I never knew my parents -
I grew up in a foster home and then -
was moved to different foster homes and then to another foster home -
it was a big house -
my family had lived there for generations -
my grandmother or father -
they looked the same -
lived in the room next to me -
they always wore the same clothes -
a mother or father of someone else would always get angry -
when my grandfather or mother drank too much -
it was mostly about my father who was drunk all the time -
especially after my mother or father left -
the one I never knew -
I was too young to know -
that's how I got to know him or her -
we were both in the same burn unit -
I was trying to quit smoking -
they were still on methadone, but wanted a better life -
that's why they got married -
or that's what they told me when I got older -
by then they were dead and I only had a few pictures left of him or her -
at their wedding -
his first beer -
her first car -
the first time I caught a fish as big as a pike -
really a small sunfish -
I learned to sail -
the three of us would go out alone on long adventures -
playing pirate, president, first lady and the tramp -
I was the whore -
the one begging for mercy after she or he was taken away by the police -
I was right there -
again with a bad report card -
my father or mother would slap me around -
by the time I was older and had enough money to buy a car -
the first thing I did was ask him out -
she came along -
all the time I was driving my hand was on my leg -
the three of us where smoking pot and drinking light beers -
after our first child -
dressed in spandex -
getting ready to enter my first marathon -
I knew she or he would be my arch enemy -
I would have to face them eye-to-eye -
what could I say -
I was young I didn't know any better -
I got caught up in the moment and besides I was drafted -
I didnt have some rich mommy or daddy -
at first I felt a little guilty -
but what the fuck, being at yale, getting a fulbright -
I was at the last march with her or him -
really -
all I wanted was to be fucked by her or him -
or him as her or her as him -
or be fucked as a him by her or her by him for her -
but that was after I left my first wife, husband, domestic partner -
terrorist on the run since 1967 or 1697 -
1980's -
the 1980s was when m.a.s.h. went off the air -
I could so identify with one of the characters -
or all of them -
since I had served in korea -
but that was different -
that was the big one -
we use the big one on those japs -
and even after I was in england or france -
to return to the same old whites only -
until color TV started to come into vogue -
the three of us would gather to watch disney on parade -
which I loved especially when my parents were fighting -
I would be alone and every once in awhile someone like elvis or the beatles -
I just loved john -
or something mick -
would be on the cover of the post I would buy the national geographic -
I mean I didnt know what got into me -
it was the first time I had seen someone elses penis or breast -
so we all sat around and jerked-off and fondled each other -
when I was done I looked around to make sure no one was looking -
they deserved it wearing those clothes -
short skirts, tight pants -
school quarterbacks with those firm breast -
thats what he or she or my mother or father said they liked best -
a vanilla sunday everytime after -
or good cigarette or the movies -
especially on fridays -
anything to get away -
after work I would get in free -
thats why I worked at the theater -
I could live on popcorn, candy and juju beans -
every halloween they called me the juju beans popcorn lady killer -
it was kind of a joke -
to leave juju beans behind -
the popcorn was a mistake, but since it was there -
it was the signature he kept doing -
I knew sooner later she would be the next class president -
why not he, he was my sister -
and as my parents said -
to be alone in foster care s the best of all holidays -
except for water when it's really hot.
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